The hour is near

We're having core team meeting tomorrow and I'm pretty sure it's gonna be about re-structure. I am so not looking forward to this. I fully intend to protest if I am not happy with the structure this time. Which equates to, if I am in anyone else's cg aside from Ruth I am gonna protest. If I am not in the cg that operates at 4/5 Atlantic St. I am going to protest.

I am quite sick of everything honestly.

I told Ruth about most things yesterday. Told her about how the cg feels about Keith and Swee. All the underlying things that go on. It's amazing how information stops from going up.

I know we are taught not to gossip. But somehow, gossiping.. or at least complaining about someone to another person is quite relieving.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, please don't let me go astray.

Grant me.. SELF-CONTROL.

Continuing

I really hope no one reads this blog.

Ok... just got back from cg. I better update my other blog soon tho.

I really dun enjoy being around people nowadays. Being alone is good.

Had another long conversation with Ruth yesterday. She says I am protecting myself. I know that. But honestly, I don't like feeling the way I feel and if staying by myself helps the feelings subside, I'm fine with it for a while. I really don't mind being alone.

I think everything's just been pent up for so long, I don't know where to go anymore. Ruth was telling me I need to let God take it all away. God, I am desperately banging on Your door right now. Please help me. I remember I used to pray for God to break me for He could make my broken pieces beautiful. And that is precisely what God is doing now. But the pain that has come along with it is really not what I ever expected. You know, deep deep down inside of me, I still really want to be the person God means me to be. I want a heart that beats for my God only. God once told me, with a great calling comes great responsibility. I have always wanted a great calling on my life. But never did I expect to pay this price.

Somedays you just feel the world is crumbling down all round you. Lately I've been feeling it a lot more. As what Ruth said last night, it's like I am on a roller coaster with my emotions. It's just up and down and up and down all the time.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel a little better today after last night but I know I still have a long way to go to settling my issue.

Well, today I made a choice. I chuck out the 'love' issue. It's God's now. Even tho listening to the courtship sermon HURT. But I am going to try. God since you have given me so many chances, I am going to give you a chance.

What it Love?

Okies.. I am going to be massively late but I think I will write a bit of this down first.

Will post more later on the massively long talk I had with Ruth last night.

Just finished combined group shepherding where we listened to a seminar by Ps Lai Ling on courtship.

Just 1 word. Ouch.

What happens if the guy you like doesn't like you back? What if he likes someone else? What if she's moving in next door to him.

God.. I think it's time we had a little chat.

Lost Hope

In a sense, I have lost hope.

I have lost hope in the organization called the church.

More stuff

Ok.. I am supposed to be off to class very soon.. but for some reason, the installation program isn't running.

I shall continue with a little more ranting. At least I have some place to chuck my rubbish.

I know it's Ruth's birthday today and I know I am not being very nice. But seriously. I have reached a point where I can't be bothered to care anymore. It hurts too much to care. Maybe not caring might solve all these emotional problems.

If I tell all this to anyone in the church, I really don't know how they will react.

I know that I care about the opinion of Man too much. I know that is my greatest shortcoming. At the same time, I feel so trapped as I am surrounded by the opinion of Man.

My passion has died out. The flame no longer burns. I can't even be bothered to go down to counter anymore. They talk about creating ministries for people to serve. Yet they take people out of minitries that people actually want to serve in. Honestly, do I think Ruth will let me serve in WT in my current status. No way. I'm too 'unstable'. I don't like leading the choir. I don't like teaching CDS. I really don't like any of them at all. But I still have to do it anyway.

People not from church ask me why I do things. I can't really give them a reason. Some things I can tell them, well, look the Bible says so. God commands that of Christians. But others, I'm not so sure. Am I just blindly following the commands of Man instead of checking the reality of the WoG?

Take Rachel for instance. Ruth keeps telling me to let her be. That she's been stubborn, rebellious and not letting us help her. But have we ever considered the truth in what she says about the church. Or do we just brush them aside just as we brush her aside cos she's not as 'on' anymore. Becky said this church just focuses on the 'on' people. When you are not so 'on' they just push you into the background. Is there truth in what she says? Yes, I think there is.

If I am obedient, I listen to Ruth, do what is expected of me. My relationship with her is nice and easy. But when I throw a tamtrum, she goes to Yvonne to complain about me. She gets fed-up. So if I wasn't so committed to the church, what would our relationship be like?

The Lord our God is slow to anger and abounding in grace and mercy. Are we like that?

My thoughts

Ok, I can't take it anymore. I need somewhere to write down how I feel. Even if there is like absolutely no one to turn to, or like no one I can talk to about how I feel.

I feel trapped. I feel like in my current situation there is no where I can go, no one I can turn to. I am even starting to believe in the statement that it is a cold friendless world out there.

Yes, I know God still exists. And that God has a greater plan in spite of all this. But God, why do I feel so alone?

The way things are around here, you don't exactly know who you can turn to anymore to talk to. It's so.. in a sense.. rigid. I miss friends. Friends I have back home who you can call at anytime of the day to laugh, giggle, cry and sob your eyes out. Friends who you can call and say, "Wanna go out?" And off you go. Over here, well, honestly, I don't feel like there's anyone like that.

With Ruth, she maintains a barrier. She says this is necessary for a shepherd-sheep relationship. Well, fine, I do agree with that to a certain extent. But when you have a problem, you need to make an appointment to talk to her at a time when she is free. Does this situation exist in a real friendship? I don't think so. She got quite upset the first time I told her I don't see her as a friend. In all honesty, I still don't. Friends don't have a one way relationship. Friends don't have a gap between them that's as far as the Atlantic Ocean.

With Swee & Yvonne, well, the relationship is so superficial. We talk about things, we do things together, though it is very much obvious that the 2 of them prefer spending time and doing things together. They never usually bother asking me cos they assume I will be out with Ruth (but no Ruth is usually out with someone else and I am alone at home).

Plus the fact all 3 of them are church leaders. They belong to that group that controls the church. They know things I don't know, that I am not suppose to know. I don't really care about knowing things I am not supposed to know. But when things leak, I don't feel comfortable. The worst bits are when Ruth gets upset that I find out things I am not supposed to know and acts like the world is coming to and end. For one, it's really not my fault that things come my way. Number 2, it hurts when you do that.

With the rest of the care group, well, they all seem to think that I more or less belong to the same 'clique' as the rest of my housemates. So I rarely get involved with them other than with church stuff. Fair enough I mean. They all came in later than I did. And I mean, I can't exactly tell them how I feel about certain things cos that would be gossiping. And well, things spread around really fast with the engineers cos they are all so close to each other and they don't exactly know how to differentiate what should be told and what should be kept.

Honestly, I really have some issues with the church. The way the church is run. Sometimes, everything just gets too legalistic. There's a problem, we solve it when the problem gets too big. But wait, only the leaders can solve the problem in the manner they deem appropriate. No input from the rest of the members. So many things have been done without the consult of the members. All we get is the shock when it happens and the fact that we have to accept the change. Do we get a say in who shepherds us, whose care group we are in each time a re-structure occurs. No. In fact, it's even becoming we don't have a say in which ministry we serve in.

Arghhh... I am just so sick of everything. I can't tell anyone this. If I tell it to Ruth, she will defend the church. 100% obedience is what God desires. But is this really 100% obedience to God's ways or just forcing the ways of men on other humans? If I tell it to Swee she will throw some biblical reference back at me. Honestly, I preferred Swee before she became ACGL of the care group.

Why haven't I left the church? Well... God hasn't asked me to yet. He told me I will see the bigger picture to His plan in the future.

But dear God, I really don't know how much longer I will last.

I've already been hiding out in my room since Monday. I don't exactly want contact with my housemates or my care group members.

Oh well...