Being Me

What if you realize that you can't be you anymore? What if to do 'the right thing' you have to be someone you totally are not. The Bible says to deny yourself. How easy is it?

To ask me not to care about what people say. To tell me not to bother about what people do. It's just not me.

Ok. I am back to the pits again. Tonight I found out that Ruth has been saying things about me behind my back. Why can't she just come out and correct me if she feels that there is something wrong with me? I just feel my relationship with Ruth is going down the drain.

Ruth will in turn as me, if I told her. Why do I care? Why do I seek to find the favour of Man or woman in this case? Why can't she understand that I do care. Why? Why can't she have the patience to wait for me to change, to help me change. Why can't she just correct me straight in my face. Why does she go and tell someone else the real reason why she gets angry at me? Why why why why why?

I hate this all. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I hate the way things are. I hate the person I am expected to be. I hate myself.