Continuing

I really hope no one reads this blog.

Ok... just got back from cg. I better update my other blog soon tho.

I really dun enjoy being around people nowadays. Being alone is good.

Had another long conversation with Ruth yesterday. She says I am protecting myself. I know that. But honestly, I don't like feeling the way I feel and if staying by myself helps the feelings subside, I'm fine with it for a while. I really don't mind being alone.

I think everything's just been pent up for so long, I don't know where to go anymore. Ruth was telling me I need to let God take it all away. God, I am desperately banging on Your door right now. Please help me. I remember I used to pray for God to break me for He could make my broken pieces beautiful. And that is precisely what God is doing now. But the pain that has come along with it is really not what I ever expected. You know, deep deep down inside of me, I still really want to be the person God means me to be. I want a heart that beats for my God only. God once told me, with a great calling comes great responsibility. I have always wanted a great calling on my life. But never did I expect to pay this price.

Somedays you just feel the world is crumbling down all round you. Lately I've been feeling it a lot more. As what Ruth said last night, it's like I am on a roller coaster with my emotions. It's just up and down and up and down all the time.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel a little better today after last night but I know I still have a long way to go to settling my issue.

Well, today I made a choice. I chuck out the 'love' issue. It's God's now. Even tho listening to the courtship sermon HURT. But I am going to try. God since you have given me so many chances, I am going to give you a chance.