My thoughts
Ok, I can't take it anymore. I need somewhere to write down how I feel. Even if there is like absolutely no one to turn to, or like no one I can talk to about how I feel.
I feel trapped. I feel like in my current situation there is no where I can go, no one I can turn to. I am even starting to believe in the statement that it is a cold friendless world out there.
Yes, I know God still exists. And that God has a greater plan in spite of all this. But God, why do I feel so alone?
The way things are around here, you don't exactly know who you can turn to anymore to talk to. It's so.. in a sense.. rigid. I miss friends. Friends I have back home who you can call at anytime of the day to laugh, giggle, cry and sob your eyes out. Friends who you can call and say, "Wanna go out?" And off you go. Over here, well, honestly, I don't feel like there's anyone like that.
With Ruth, she maintains a barrier. She says this is necessary for a shepherd-sheep relationship. Well, fine, I do agree with that to a certain extent. But when you have a problem, you need to make an appointment to talk to her at a time when she is free. Does this situation exist in a real friendship? I don't think so. She got quite upset the first time I told her I don't see her as a friend. In all honesty, I still don't. Friends don't have a one way relationship. Friends don't have a gap between them that's as far as the Atlantic Ocean.
With Swee & Yvonne, well, the relationship is so superficial. We talk about things, we do things together, though it is very much obvious that the 2 of them prefer spending time and doing things together. They never usually bother asking me cos they assume I will be out with Ruth (but no Ruth is usually out with someone else and I am alone at home).
Plus the fact all 3 of them are church leaders. They belong to that group that controls the church. They know things I don't know, that I am not suppose to know. I don't really care about knowing things I am not supposed to know. But when things leak, I don't feel comfortable. The worst bits are when Ruth gets upset that I find out things I am not supposed to know and acts like the world is coming to and end. For one, it's really not my fault that things come my way. Number 2, it hurts when you do that.
With the rest of the care group, well, they all seem to think that I more or less belong to the same 'clique' as the rest of my housemates. So I rarely get involved with them other than with church stuff. Fair enough I mean. They all came in later than I did. And I mean, I can't exactly tell them how I feel about certain things cos that would be gossiping. And well, things spread around really fast with the engineers cos they are all so close to each other and they don't exactly know how to differentiate what should be told and what should be kept.
Honestly, I really have some issues with the church. The way the church is run. Sometimes, everything just gets too legalistic. There's a problem, we solve it when the problem gets too big. But wait, only the leaders can solve the problem in the manner they deem appropriate. No input from the rest of the members. So many things have been done without the consult of the members. All we get is the shock when it happens and the fact that we have to accept the change. Do we get a say in who shepherds us, whose care group we are in each time a re-structure occurs. No. In fact, it's even becoming we don't have a say in which ministry we serve in.
Arghhh... I am just so sick of everything. I can't tell anyone this. If I tell it to Ruth, she will defend the church. 100% obedience is what God desires. But is this really 100% obedience to God's ways or just forcing the ways of men on other humans? If I tell it to Swee she will throw some biblical reference back at me. Honestly, I preferred Swee before she became ACGL of the care group.
Why haven't I left the church? Well... God hasn't asked me to yet. He told me I will see the bigger picture to His plan in the future.
But dear God, I really don't know how much longer I will last.
I've already been hiding out in my room since Monday. I don't exactly want contact with my housemates or my care group members.
Oh well...
I feel trapped. I feel like in my current situation there is no where I can go, no one I can turn to. I am even starting to believe in the statement that it is a cold friendless world out there.
Yes, I know God still exists. And that God has a greater plan in spite of all this. But God, why do I feel so alone?
The way things are around here, you don't exactly know who you can turn to anymore to talk to. It's so.. in a sense.. rigid. I miss friends. Friends I have back home who you can call at anytime of the day to laugh, giggle, cry and sob your eyes out. Friends who you can call and say, "Wanna go out?" And off you go. Over here, well, honestly, I don't feel like there's anyone like that.
With Ruth, she maintains a barrier. She says this is necessary for a shepherd-sheep relationship. Well, fine, I do agree with that to a certain extent. But when you have a problem, you need to make an appointment to talk to her at a time when she is free. Does this situation exist in a real friendship? I don't think so. She got quite upset the first time I told her I don't see her as a friend. In all honesty, I still don't. Friends don't have a one way relationship. Friends don't have a gap between them that's as far as the Atlantic Ocean.
With Swee & Yvonne, well, the relationship is so superficial. We talk about things, we do things together, though it is very much obvious that the 2 of them prefer spending time and doing things together. They never usually bother asking me cos they assume I will be out with Ruth (but no Ruth is usually out with someone else and I am alone at home).
Plus the fact all 3 of them are church leaders. They belong to that group that controls the church. They know things I don't know, that I am not suppose to know. I don't really care about knowing things I am not supposed to know. But when things leak, I don't feel comfortable. The worst bits are when Ruth gets upset that I find out things I am not supposed to know and acts like the world is coming to and end. For one, it's really not my fault that things come my way. Number 2, it hurts when you do that.
With the rest of the care group, well, they all seem to think that I more or less belong to the same 'clique' as the rest of my housemates. So I rarely get involved with them other than with church stuff. Fair enough I mean. They all came in later than I did. And I mean, I can't exactly tell them how I feel about certain things cos that would be gossiping. And well, things spread around really fast with the engineers cos they are all so close to each other and they don't exactly know how to differentiate what should be told and what should be kept.
Honestly, I really have some issues with the church. The way the church is run. Sometimes, everything just gets too legalistic. There's a problem, we solve it when the problem gets too big. But wait, only the leaders can solve the problem in the manner they deem appropriate. No input from the rest of the members. So many things have been done without the consult of the members. All we get is the shock when it happens and the fact that we have to accept the change. Do we get a say in who shepherds us, whose care group we are in each time a re-structure occurs. No. In fact, it's even becoming we don't have a say in which ministry we serve in.
Arghhh... I am just so sick of everything. I can't tell anyone this. If I tell it to Ruth, she will defend the church. 100% obedience is what God desires. But is this really 100% obedience to God's ways or just forcing the ways of men on other humans? If I tell it to Swee she will throw some biblical reference back at me. Honestly, I preferred Swee before she became ACGL of the care group.
Why haven't I left the church? Well... God hasn't asked me to yet. He told me I will see the bigger picture to His plan in the future.
But dear God, I really don't know how much longer I will last.
I've already been hiding out in my room since Monday. I don't exactly want contact with my housemates or my care group members.
Oh well...
posted by Ivy at 3:16 PM
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