Being Me

What if you realize that you can't be you anymore? What if to do 'the right thing' you have to be someone you totally are not. The Bible says to deny yourself. How easy is it?

To ask me not to care about what people say. To tell me not to bother about what people do. It's just not me.

Ok. I am back to the pits again. Tonight I found out that Ruth has been saying things about me behind my back. Why can't she just come out and correct me if she feels that there is something wrong with me? I just feel my relationship with Ruth is going down the drain.

Ruth will in turn as me, if I told her. Why do I care? Why do I seek to find the favour of Man or woman in this case? Why can't she understand that I do care. Why? Why can't she have the patience to wait for me to change, to help me change. Why can't she just correct me straight in my face. Why does she go and tell someone else the real reason why she gets angry at me? Why why why why why?

I hate this all. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I hate the way things are. I hate the person I am expected to be. I hate myself.

Thoughts

Oh my.. people actually read this blog. I thought this was just a place I could rave and rant cos I am a little lazy to write in my diary by hand and typing is just much faster. Oh wells.

You know what hurts. Love hurts. And I am not even talking about BGR here. Friendship hurts. To love a friend so much, to be so close to someone. Now that hurts. It hurts that you just can't understand the person and the person can't understand you. It hurts when you know you hurt the person. ARGHHHHHHHHHH.....

There was a time in my life where I was excited for God. There was a time when I was brimming with passion and was willing to go any distance for God. Now I feel tired. Yes, I will still do 'things' for God. But undeniably, I am tired. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Going neither here nor there. I even wonder at times whether I just do what I do for people.

Right now, I just feel like my life is in pieces. I know I need God to come pick the pieces up for me. I need Him to piece them together. To make me whole in Him. But as I wait, I just feel I keep breaking up over and over again. I just keep shattering. There's just so much in me that I need to deal with but I don't know how. I just wish.. I just wish I could forget everything.