Oh Wells

I don't really use this kind of language anymore.

But I really feel quite shitty today. Actually I've been feeling like that for a long time already. I just wish I could leave everything, drop everything and carry on with life. I wish i wasn't such a workaholic. Once you find me work to do I forget about my problems. All the way till I sit alone in my room at night and everything comes back to me.

I wonder why I find it so hard to get along with people. I never really had this problem till I got here. Maybe it's cos when u are alway from home, people are always in your face most of the time.

Honestly, I haven't really gotten over what Ruth said to be the last time she shepherded me. Which is why I don't really bug her for shepherding. Yeah, felt quite lousy when she said she wasn't meeting us again this week... it's been like 3-4 weeks already.. but then.. how do u react to a person who tells u stuff like what she did.

God.. I don't even know what to say anymore.

Being Me

What if you realize that you can't be you anymore? What if to do 'the right thing' you have to be someone you totally are not. The Bible says to deny yourself. How easy is it?

To ask me not to care about what people say. To tell me not to bother about what people do. It's just not me.

Ok. I am back to the pits again. Tonight I found out that Ruth has been saying things about me behind my back. Why can't she just come out and correct me if she feels that there is something wrong with me? I just feel my relationship with Ruth is going down the drain.

Ruth will in turn as me, if I told her. Why do I care? Why do I seek to find the favour of Man or woman in this case? Why can't she understand that I do care. Why? Why can't she have the patience to wait for me to change, to help me change. Why can't she just correct me straight in my face. Why does she go and tell someone else the real reason why she gets angry at me? Why why why why why?

I hate this all. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I hate the way things are. I hate the person I am expected to be. I hate myself.

Thoughts

Oh my.. people actually read this blog. I thought this was just a place I could rave and rant cos I am a little lazy to write in my diary by hand and typing is just much faster. Oh wells.

You know what hurts. Love hurts. And I am not even talking about BGR here. Friendship hurts. To love a friend so much, to be so close to someone. Now that hurts. It hurts that you just can't understand the person and the person can't understand you. It hurts when you know you hurt the person. ARGHHHHHHHHHH.....

There was a time in my life where I was excited for God. There was a time when I was brimming with passion and was willing to go any distance for God. Now I feel tired. Yes, I will still do 'things' for God. But undeniably, I am tired. I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Going neither here nor there. I even wonder at times whether I just do what I do for people.

Right now, I just feel like my life is in pieces. I know I need God to come pick the pieces up for me. I need Him to piece them together. To make me whole in Him. But as I wait, I just feel I keep breaking up over and over again. I just keep shattering. There's just so much in me that I need to deal with but I don't know how. I just wish.. I just wish I could forget everything.

Guys

What do I look for in a guy?

Non-compromising traits....
1. He must be a full-on, actively serving Christian.
2. He must love God more than he loves me.
3. He must have a passion for the Great Commission and church-planting.
4. He must have a heart for 3rd world countries.
5. He should be spiritually more mature than I am.
6. He must respect me for who I am and vice versa

Traits I can afford to compromise some on.. not too much.. hopefully none at all..

1. He should be choleric/extroverted
2. He should be able to manage his finances relatively well
3. He should be able to make his own decisions with wisdom
4. He should be able to do some housework
5. He should like kids
6. He should like dogs (and rabbits for now)
7. He preferably should not be a doctor

Actually.. that's it for now....

Going down...

Okies.. it's official.. I'm going back down again. Even my sheep notice it nowadays. That's how bad it is.

I'm sick sick sick sick sick of this life.

I THINK LIFE REALLY REALLY SUCKS.

I feel so trapped. I don't know how to carry on anymore.

I'm just so fed up of getting hurt, I don't want to care anymore. And I don't want people to care about me too.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

When will things ever get better. I know being a Christian doesn't mean life's a bed of roses. But does that mean it's a bed of prickly thorns? I don't think God meant it to be this way.

Why do we keep messing up? Why do I keep messing up. I just want to go to bed looking forward to each new day and waking up, smelling the fresh scent of morning and looking forward to the day ahead. Then why am I filled with dread everyday?

I really really hate it.

Nothing seems to make anything better.

I really wonder if I should move from this house. Maybe things will be a little easier. Won't solve all my problems but might relieve me from a bit of stress.

The hour is near

We're having core team meeting tomorrow and I'm pretty sure it's gonna be about re-structure. I am so not looking forward to this. I fully intend to protest if I am not happy with the structure this time. Which equates to, if I am in anyone else's cg aside from Ruth I am gonna protest. If I am not in the cg that operates at 4/5 Atlantic St. I am going to protest.

I am quite sick of everything honestly.

I told Ruth about most things yesterday. Told her about how the cg feels about Keith and Swee. All the underlying things that go on. It's amazing how information stops from going up.

I know we are taught not to gossip. But somehow, gossiping.. or at least complaining about someone to another person is quite relieving.

ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, please don't let me go astray.

Grant me.. SELF-CONTROL.

Continuing

I really hope no one reads this blog.

Ok... just got back from cg. I better update my other blog soon tho.

I really dun enjoy being around people nowadays. Being alone is good.

Had another long conversation with Ruth yesterday. She says I am protecting myself. I know that. But honestly, I don't like feeling the way I feel and if staying by myself helps the feelings subside, I'm fine with it for a while. I really don't mind being alone.

I think everything's just been pent up for so long, I don't know where to go anymore. Ruth was telling me I need to let God take it all away. God, I am desperately banging on Your door right now. Please help me. I remember I used to pray for God to break me for He could make my broken pieces beautiful. And that is precisely what God is doing now. But the pain that has come along with it is really not what I ever expected. You know, deep deep down inside of me, I still really want to be the person God means me to be. I want a heart that beats for my God only. God once told me, with a great calling comes great responsibility. I have always wanted a great calling on my life. But never did I expect to pay this price.

Somedays you just feel the world is crumbling down all round you. Lately I've been feeling it a lot more. As what Ruth said last night, it's like I am on a roller coaster with my emotions. It's just up and down and up and down all the time.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel a little better today after last night but I know I still have a long way to go to settling my issue.

Well, today I made a choice. I chuck out the 'love' issue. It's God's now. Even tho listening to the courtship sermon HURT. But I am going to try. God since you have given me so many chances, I am going to give you a chance.

What it Love?

Okies.. I am going to be massively late but I think I will write a bit of this down first.

Will post more later on the massively long talk I had with Ruth last night.

Just finished combined group shepherding where we listened to a seminar by Ps Lai Ling on courtship.

Just 1 word. Ouch.

What happens if the guy you like doesn't like you back? What if he likes someone else? What if she's moving in next door to him.

God.. I think it's time we had a little chat.